Twenty-five years of marriage teaches you things no book, podcast, or pre-marital workshop ever could. In this deeply personal post, I look back on my own love story—where it’s thrived, where it’s struggled, and why the light has always outweighed the dark. I’m sharing the truths, the lessons, and the small-but-mighty habits that have carried my wife and me through a quarter century together. If you’re engaged, newly married, or decades in, there’s something here for you.
December 18, 2024
No marriage thrives on autopilot. The couples who last are the ones who stay awake at the wheel.
I've been thinking a lot about love this week: what it is, where it comes from, and how it is valued. The most wonderful of all things in life, I believe, is the discovery of another person with whom love grows in depth, beauty, and joy with each passing year. The continued love story between two people is the greatest gift a couple can share with one another. It is not to be taken for granted, and it should never be assumed that finding true love is guaranteed. It cannot be found by looking for it or by passionately wishing for it. It is a sort of divine accident, and the most wonderful of all things in life.
With that in mind, I was awake all night last night, trying to put into words the love I have in my heart for my wife as today begins our 25th year together. Trying to detail how thankful I am for her and how much I appreciate and value her is no easy task. Almost every year that we have been together has been better than the one before, and it is almost impossible for me to imagine how I could ever love her more than I do at this moment, yet I know tomorrow I will love her more. Every second of every day of every year, she has graced my life. She has been a blessing to me from the day I met her, and she has been my every dream come true. On this special day, I would like to let go of all my hesitations, inhibitions, and insecurities. I want to make it perfectly clear how madly I am in love with her. I want to shout it from the rooftops of the world. They say as time goes by the love between couples can fade away. But with her, my love continues growing stronger.
It is true that we have had our moments in the dark—some so pitch black that we could not see our hands before our eyes—but we have had so many more moments in the light. Bright, radiant, blinding light. We have worked on our life together for the better and we have, I think, been mostly successful. So, really, how could I love her more? As I tell her every day, the answer is timely. She needs only to ask me tomorrow, and then I will tell her.
Love is not a single promise made once. It’s a thousand quiet promises honored in the days that follow.
I have always been a romantic, and I am not embarrassed to admit that I get incredibly sentimental. If you come close to the DJ booth, you will often find me tearing up during the first dance. The love between a bride and her groom is often so palpable that I am overcome with emotion. I just can't help myself.
At every wedding I DJ, I watch the couples closely, looking for their “tells”—watching their mannerisms, their gestures, their treatment of one another—to guess whether or not they will make it. As a romantic, I want every couple to succeed in their marriage. I really do believe in the power of love, and my investment in every couple I marry as an officiant and every couple whose dance floor I fill does not end when I tear down my equipment at reception's end. I regularly check in with couples who hired me for their weddings. I have become friends with most, and I want each and every one of them to have their happily ever after. Like my wife and me, I want them to make it twenty-five years. And then, I want them to make it twenty-five years more.
It seems that speculation abounds as to which relationships and marriages will last for any length of time, and for how long. Everyone has ideas about what it takes to have lasting lifelong love, and what should and should not be taking place in a couple’s life for a relationship to be healthy.
But, what does it take to keep love and a marriage strong?
After every Anniversary Dance, I bring my mic to the winning couple who stands alone on the dance floor. They are the couple that has been married the longest. I ask their names and how many years they have been married. I then ask what advice they have for the newlywed couple. It is a running gag that most husbands answer with just two words: "yes, dear." This, they say, is the most valuable lesson they have learned from their decades together. And while there is truth to this (it's funny because it's true), I feel there are far more valuable insights that can be shared. So today, I am going to share a few things I have learned from twenty-five years of marriage. No one has asked for my advice, but I am giving it anyway. The reason? It is my hope that the couples who visit my site will find value in what I am about to share.
The best love stories aren’t written in grand gestures;
they’re written in grocery lists, inside jokes, and shared blankets.
Now, I know that there are a plethora of helpful books, articles and blogs written that discuss just this topic—over the years, I have read more than you would believe. But the over-simplified generalizations given in the literature are all clichés. I am sure you already know what the “specialists” have to say…the proper way of conducting yourself during the dating phase, best types of premarital counseling, making sure to stay in shape, always looking your best, saying I love you, not going to bed angry, having date nights, keeping sex alive, developing your own interests, having time apart to miss each other, learning each other’s love languages, and so many other dos and don’ts.
Some of these things my wife and I have done, and some we haven’t. (Love languages, for example, are very real, and everyone should take time to learn the language of his or her partner. Not everyone loves in the same way.) But I also know that some of the generalizations above would definitely not work for us and that we understand some concepts entirely differently than other couples who read them. This may prove true for the list I am sharing now, but if one couple finds meaning in just one of the items listed below, then that is reason enough to share it with you today.
Don't ever assume that your partner feels loved. Ask them. Often. And if they answer in the negative, reassure them that you love them with your actions. Words are unnecessary and often get in the way.
Date nights are a must. It doesn't matter if you go out or stay in, make time every week to spend quality time together.
Learn how to communicate effectively. Avoid sarcasm, and make certain that you check your passive-aggressiveness at the door. Genuinely listen to what your partner is telling you; do not simply wait for your turn to talk. Be sure to talk openly about what you want to change in your relationship.
Go to bed angry. Seriously. Do not force a resolution before you are both ready to do so. Different people process their thoughts and feelings at different paces. And sleeping on it does help.
When you do fight, do not simply say that you are sorry. Say what you are sorry for, and share how you will react differently next time.
Your marriage will get boring sometimes. Every couple goes through ruts where they feel more like roommates than lovers. It's normal. This is the time in your relationship when you will have to put in the most effort. Love is always a choice. Never fall into complacency; rather, choose to love, and the flame will reignite in time.
Some days you will have to pull more weight than your partner. On other days, he or she will have to pull more weight than you. You share equal responsibility in your marriage, but that does not mean you must share equal responsibility every day. No one has that much stamina.
It is paramount that you regularly check in on one another's mental health. Depression is very real and it often presents itself by a partner's apathy, indifference, and emotional distance. Do not try to "fix" him or her. If it were that easy to cure depression, the affected partner would already be fixing him or herself. Rather, be patient, be strong, and be courageous. Get your partner the help they need. Find a counselor for you or your partner, and consider couple's counseling. Going to couple's counseling does not mean your marriage is failing; rather, it shows the value and appreciation you have for your marriage.
Talk about money. Share your financial goals. Let your partner know what you expect from him or her and listen when he or she tells you the same.
Turn off your phones an hour before bedtime and just be with one another in the moment. During this time, ask questions: "What do you need to see more of from me?" or "How can we understand one another better?"
Do not try and capture the special moments with your camera. When you do, you are not actively taking part in those moments. You are looking through a lens when you should be looking at one another.
Invest in couples' quiz books, date night boxes, and games. There are a number of very good ones that my wife and I have discovered, and they help bring laughter, joy, and understanding to your marriage. If you'd like the names of our favorites, shoot me an email. I would be excited to share them with you.
The strongest marriages are built on presence — not perfection.
Today, my wife and I are twenty-five years married. How have we remained deeply intertwined and (mostly) living out the dreams we would speak of back in the day, before marriage, talking on AOL instant messaging until the wee hours of the morning?
I don’t honestly know.
It just seems to me that it works.
Each and every day of our marriage has brought something new, and we have embraced it together. Even those days we didn’t see eye to eye—those days we would love to forget and give anything to take back—they happened, and here we still are. It seems to me that we just grew together, experienced together, and that we chose for our lives to be together and never apart.
In my defense, I’ve never needed a reason, I’ve never sought a reason, nor have I ever wanted a reason why, twenty-five years later, my wife and I are still here living out our lives together. One thing is for sure, though. I can’t imagine being anywhere else in life than with her, and I am looking forward to the next twenty-five years of raw and unfiltered adventures, experiences, and life as we live it.
I will end with one last piece of advice: give thanks.
Thank your partner for loving you, for being your biggest cheerleader and your toughest critic, for giving all of him or herself to you, for never giving up on your marriage, and for making you want to be a better person—not because of some expectation that he or she may have of you, but because you want to become a better person. Your partner deserves you at your best. Make every effort to deliver.