The Best Man's Speech: Dos and Don'ts
As a DJ who’s heard more best man speeches than I can count—and more than a few I wish I couldn’t—I’ve learned exactly what makes a toast unforgettable, for better or worse. In this post, I share the dos and don’ts of best man speeches, plus crowd-safe jokes that won’t traumatize Grandma or end the groom’s longest friendship.
April 27, 2025
Being a wedding DJ for two plus decades, I have sat through many best man's speeches. Grooms and brides are often apprehensive about what the best man will say. The worried looks from the groom tell their own story; it is often clear by a groom's forced smile that there is history there, and that most of the stories a best man can tell ...well, he probably shouldn't.
There is always a line that should not be crossed at a wedding. Where that line is and what goes too far depends on the best man's relationship with the bride, not with the groom. One gaffe could ruin the bride's wedding day. Do that, and you may not see much more of your best friend after the wedding day comes to its end. And let's not forget you stand before a hundred or more close relations of both bride and groom. Your buddy's teenage escapades and the mistakes of his twenties may be entirely inappropriate in front of grandma.
I have heard just about everything when the big reveal takes place. I leave some weddings knowing more than I wanted; at other weddings, I have been left wanting more. But make no mistake, the best man has an obligation to his audience. Big laughs are expected. But you have an even bigger obligation to the newlyweds. When he asked you to be his best man, he bestowed upon you one of the greatest honors two friends can share with one another. The best man's speech, therefore, must be equal parts roasting and admiration. Contrary to popular belief, the jokes embedded in a best man's speech don’t have to be crass. Neither do they have to be cringe. Want to know the secret to a great best man speech? Well, that's why I am writing today's blog post.
Jokes! Love them or loathe them, they lie at the heart of many a great wedding toast. But since no one is expecting you to develop extraordinary stand-up skills in the days and weeks leading up to the wedding, it is perfectly okay to turn to some tried-and-tested best man speech jokes. Whether you’re on the hunt for some witty ice breakers, funny openers or punchy one-liners to entertain the crowd, I have rounded up some of my favorite jokes from speeches past that work perfectly. They will leave your audience with smiles on their faces without causing grief for your best friend and his new bride.
“It’s been an emotional day, even the cake is in tiers.”
“Now I did ask for a microphone but was told one wasn’t available. So, if you can’t hear me at the back, the silence from the people at the front should reassure you that you’re not missing anything.”
“The couple have asked that I don’t talk about [GROOM'S NAME]’s mishaps, mistakes, embarrassing moments or ex-partners. So thanks for listening – have a wonderful night!”
“[BRIDE'S NAME] please put your left hand flat on the table. [GROOM'S NAME], please place your hand on top of hers. Enjoy this moment, [GROOM'S NAME], because it’s the first and last time in your marriage that you’ll have the upper hand.”
“Now, before I start, the venue manager has asked me to request that, for health and safety reasons, none of you get up on top of the chairs and tables during my standing ovation.”
“I have no problem admitting to you all that I’m extremely nervous right now. And, as the people sitting closest to me will attest, it is actually possible to smell fear.”
“When it came to writing this speech, I googled ‘best man speech examples’ and found some great stuff. So, let me tell you all about [WRONG NAME] …”
“You have no idea how much I’ve been looking forward to today. After all the time I’ve been friends with [GROOM'S NAME], he has – at long last – admitted that I am, in fact, the best man.”
“All those amongst us who know [BRIDE'S NAME] well will know that she is a wonderful and caring person. She deserves a good husband. Thank goodness [GROOM'S NAME] married her before she found one.”
“Being asked to be someone’s best man is like being called up for jury duty. You don’t really want to do it, but you know you have to. You’re made to dress in a suit and pretend to be an upstanding member of the community… the only difference is I didn’t have a say if the life sentence passed earlier today.”
“I recognize my place here; a best man is similar to a dead body at a funeral. Of course, you’re expected to be there but if you say too much then people start freaking out.”
“First, I’d like to say I’m actually very nervous about making this speech. In fact, this must be the third or fourth time today that I’ve stood up from a warm seat with pieces of paper in my hand…”
“Not everyone can say that their best friend is a loyal, caring, sincere, honest, and great man… but [GROOM'S NAME] is lucky enough to be one who can.
“Please keep clapping and cheering to a minimum, I’m terribly hungover. I know, I know… you shouldn’t drink the night before the wedding, but I couldn’t very well let the groom drink alone, could I?”
“I’ve been instructed to keep this speech smut-free, so if I come across any innuendo, I’ll whip it out immediately.”
"[GROOM'S NAME] asked that I do a few lines before dinner. Unfortunately, my mirror broke on my way to the venue this morning."
Jokes About the Groom
“This has truly been a day to remember – [GROOM'S NAME] finally bought a round of drinks!”
“So, where do I start with [GROOM'S NAME]? Well, for starters he’s rather handsome, witty, intelligent, he’s charming… sorry… [GROOM'S NAME], I’m having trouble reading your handwriting. You can tell me the rest later.”
“I read somewhere that the perfect best man speech should last as long as it takes for the groom to make love. So, ladies and gentlemen, please raise a glass to the happy couple!”
“Hi everyone, I’m [BEST MAN'S NAME]. I’m the best man – although I think I was picked by default since the groom doesn’t really have any other friends.”
“[GROOM'S NAME] may not dazzle you with his wit or good looks, but he will dazzle you with the top of his head.”
“[GROOM'S NAME] has been so worried about getting married. In fact, he’s been tearing his hair out!”
“Just some last messages here to read out: one from [GROOM'S NAME]’s baseball team to [BRIDE'S NAME] – ‘Apologies we couldn’t all be there today, good luck with [GROOM'S NAME], we found him to be useless in most positions but wishing you all the best for tonight.”
If you’re wondering how to write a great speech as the best man and brother to the groom, then you’re in a very unique position! As the brother or sibling of the person getting married, you get to draw upon years of life experience and memories, which can make your jokes funnier and even more personal. Below are some jokes to get you started – though, of course, these can be switched up and modified to fit any sibling relationship.
“I want to say a few complimentary things about the groom… he’s handsome, intelligent and gifted at [XYZ]. Of course, none of this should come as a surprise – we come from the same gene pool.”
“If you hadn’t guessed already, I’m the groom’s younger brother. The upgrade, if you will.”
“[GROOM'S NAME] is like a genie, he’s granted a wish for me today. I always wanted a sister, and I have that now in [BRIDE'S NAME]. But not all wishes come true, after all, I’ve still got [GROOM'S NAME] as a brother.”
“[GROOM'S NAME] blamed me for everything growing up. So, let’s call this speech ‘payback’”
“Good evening, family and friends. I’m very happy to preside over the only five minutes of the day [BRIDE'S NAME] didn’t plan!”
“So, let’s raise a glass to the happy couple because I like both of you – do you know how rare that is?”
“[BRIDE'S NAME] and [GROOM'S NAME], before I finish, I’d like you to turn and face one another. You’re now looking into the eyes of the person who’s statistically most likely to murder you. Cheers to the happy couple!”
“I do have to say though, [GROOM'S NAME], just how lucky you are. You will leave here today with a wife who is warm, loving and caring. And [BRIDE'S NAME], how lucky you are as well. You get to leave here today having gained a beautiful new outfit and a wonderful bouquet of flowers”
“If there’s anyone here who’s feeling nervous, apprehensive, and queasy at the thought of what lies ahead, it’s probably because you’ve just married [GROOM'S NAME]”
The key to a winning speech is practice, a few laughs in the form of great best man speech jokes (although tread carefully around those ‘hilarious’ tales about the groom’s past), and some heartfelt words. If you’re planning a best man speech, these are my biggest tips for getting it right:
Keep it clean. Don’t be dropping the F-bomb in front of your best pal’s grandma!
Avoid in-jokes. If 75% your audience don’t understand, you’ll only be met with blank stares.
Remember to pause for laughter. And if it doesn’t come, you can tell people they were ‘supposed to laugh there’ (a sure-fire way to get a guaranteed chuckle).
Add a personal twist. Can any of my joke suggestions above be amended to suit the couple?
Make notes. You might think you’ll be able to remember it all by heart, but nerves (and a few post-ceremony beers) can sometimes get the better of us, so have notes to refer back to.
Keep it concise. No one likes a rambler, especially if it’s pre-dinner or between courses.
Project your voice clearly. Don’t shout – but aim to be heard at the back of the room
End with a toast. It’s the best way to wrap up.
Incorporating a few jokes into your best man’s speech can be a great tool for loosening up the crowd, and the easiest way to master this is by using comedy based on real-life observations. Try not to resort to obvious wedding clichés, and instead observe the groom in action – what are his weird habits? What are his guilty pleasures? What basic life skills is he yet to master? The funniest content is always found in the everyday. Another easy tool when it comes to weaving in best man speech jokes is exaggeration: Just think of a quirk that the groom is known for, and imagine it in its most extreme form.
How many jokes should a best man speech have?
There’s no set number really, but aim for a belly laugh every 20 seconds – and hearty smiling throughout! Remember, it’s not always about good best man speech 'jokes’ per se, it’s about telling funny stories and landing the punchlines that can be found within. It’s also about using your facial expressions to maximum effect – sometimes a well-timed pause or an eyebrow raise elicits as much laughter as a killer line.
When it comes to things to avoid at all costs in a humorous best man speech – there are a few non-negotiables. Avoid gags about exes, sex and yourself. So many best men make the mistake of talking about themselves for far too long.
If you want to give the groom a bit of a roasting, just be sure to do it with kindness. Subjects that you’ve seen them become sensitive or upset about in the past are definitely off the table! Stick to safe topics and turn them into playful icebreakers to lighten the mood.
Remember, teasing is fine, insulting people is not. Swearing is never appropriate when children are present and if they’re not, still be cautious with it. Keep it grandparent-friendly.
Finally, don’t resort to any in-jokes, stag stories or anecdotes that need a lot of set-up to get to the punchline. Keep things short and snappy to keep the laughter coming.
Joking about someone’s partner in the best man’s speech is definitely something to be carefully considered and will very much depend on your relationship and how well you know them. Certainly don’t do it in a sexist, clichéd or Googled-gag way – nothing about the bride always needing to be ‘right’ or anything sexual in nature. Jokes like that are not only generic and lazy, they are alsoembarrassingly old-fashioned.
Consider your relationship with the bride – if you don’t know her well or she isn’t a close friend, steer clear of making her the butt of any kind of joke (other than the fact she has to ‘put up with’ the groom). But if she’s a good friend and you know she’ll appreciate a bit of banter, then some good-natured teasing is fine. Just use a bit of common sense – could she be genuinely embarrassed? If there’s that possibility, ALWAYS err on the side of caution.
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